Spencer vs. Cable Television

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Spencer vs. Cable Television--Pt. I

July 19, 2005

If you are one of the few people in this world that I haven’t bored with my thoughts about cable television, then you are very lucky. Unfortunately, that luck is about to run out:

After living in a cable-less house for 18 years, I was ecstatic to finally have regular MTV access at my first college apartment. So you can imagine how upsetting it was to find that by 1998 the only thing on MTV was Road Rules and Master P’s “Make ‘Em Say Uhhhh” video.

Traci had the opposite experience growing up. The only time that she was stuck with network television was the two years she was at the U. When we got married there was absolutely no money in the budget for cable TV. We inherited a 1983 Zenith television from Traci’s parents and we spent $12 on a bunny-ear antenna.

This set up works okay – if you’re only into watching one channel. We figured that Fox would be our one channel, which explains why we watched the entire season of Paradise Hotel and Joe Millionaire Part 2.

Now that we are slightly less poor (before we become significantly more poor when the baby comes), Traci strongly feels that we need to join the more-than-five-channels world. Apparently she’s tired of having to perfectly position the bunny ears toward the swiftly passing TV waves in order to see anything more than a slightly-decipherable, fuzzy image.

I am not opposed to cable TV. I think it would be nice to watch Sports Center and reruns of Who’s the Boss. Here’s my problem. I don’t really think it’s worth $40+ a month. Since I’m not used to paying for TV, I think that if I started paying now I would feel like I have to come straight home from work everyday and watch TV until I go to bed, you know, so I could get my money’s worth. And somehow, I don’t feel like adding more TV to my social diet is really what I need.

With that said, I’m always working on ways to get cable without having to PAY for cable. With the wonders of the internet, I was sure I’d be able to figure something out. I made some progress - I learned how to download specific shows, but that’s only for network TV. I have tried and tried to find VH1’s Best Week Ever to no avail.

After I moved on from that idea, I started thinking about ways to at least get my network TV to come in clearly. I decided that I needed one of those big antennas that go on the roof. I didn’t really want to go this route because I would have to get the thing attached to my roof and then figure out a way to run the antenna cable into my house without drilling a big hole in my ceiling. But what other choice did I have?

My first stop was Wal-Mart. They didn’t have the roof antennas. I drove across the street to K Mart. Nope. I didn’t dare say to a K Mart employee, “Um, where are your rooftop antennas?” for fear they would answer, “A roof antenna? I don’t think they even make those things any more. Why don’t you just get cable?” I didn’t ask a Wal-Mart employee because I have never once asked a question that hasn’t ended up in the employee saying, “I don’t know, let me ask someone else,” and then this being repeated with three more employees who never know the answer.

When I was sure there was no hope, my television prayers were answered. At this point I must mention that the people that lived in our house before us had DishNetwork. The dish is still on the side of our house. They couldn’t afford the rent, but they could afford the dish. Huh. I was walking down the aisles at Home Depot when I saw that they not only had rooftop antennas, but antennas that fit right onto a satellite dish. I could just clip the antenna on and use the existing cord that goes into our house. Perfect! I gladly shelled out the $75.

I nearly killed myself getting onto the roof and then again as I tried to hook the antenna up to the dish. Traci hollered encouragements like, “Don’t fall off the roof. I don’t want to have a fatherless child.” After I got it hooked up, I almost killed myself getting back off the roof.

I went into house and thought that the only thing left to do was plug the TV into the satellite box. I went to hall closet and opened the top drawer, where the box had been sitting for the last three years. Not there. Not there? Where could it be? My heart dropped. I vaguely remembered an internal debate I had had about a year ago. I was cleaning out said hall closet and thought, “is there any reason why we might need this box? No, I can’t possible imagine why we would.” Then there is any even more vague memory of me chucking the box into the garbage. Not trusting my own memory, I looked through the entire house for the thing. Nowhere. Stupid accurate memory.

In desperation, I tried connecting a cord straight from the wall into the back of the TV without the help of the dish box. Believe it or not, the picture was even worse than with the bunny ears. Television, I hate you so bad. It’s lucky that you’ve got The OC on your side or this relationship would be over!

So I find myself back to where I was before. Cable: 1, Spencer: Nothing.